Crackity, Crack, Crack
by Slaymesoftly
Summary: Season 8 comic - I called it crack-fic because the whole premise was so ridiculous that I just wanted to get Buffy out of there and make it go away. Imagine my surprise when in the next issue, she did this very thing. Perhaps being a little kinder to Angel than she is here...


Crackity, crack, crack?

Season Eight/ Issue #34 - as it should have gone...

"Angel?" Buffy stared around at the grass and flowers. It looked like something from a Disney movie. She expected Bambi and Thumper to appear any minute. "Where the hell are we?" She looked down at the toga-like robe she was wearing, plucking at the hem. "And who was in charge of my wardrobe? 'Cause this is so not me."

"This is Twilight, Buffy. We've made it."

"We made it five or six times, last time I counted," she muttered, standing up and walking around the little clearing.

Angel coughed. "Actually it was eight... But that's not important. What's important is that our fucking opened up the dimensions and allowed Twilight to emerge."

"We did this?"

"Yes. We did this with our—"

"Yeah, yeah, with our fucking. I heard you." She put her hands on her hips and glared at him. "And what the hell was that all about? Was that glowly stuff some kind of spell? I'm not big on the spell sex, you know. It's not one of my favorite things."

"Well, yes. We were... but it's because we earned it. It was our destiny that brought us here. It's all part of the master plan."

"Master plan?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "Is this tied in with all the slayers you've killed? Don't think I've forgotten about that, buddy." She frowned and studied him intently. "Why didn't you lose your soul? Don't I make you happy anymore?"

Angel sighed impatiently. "I told you. This is our destiny. We couldn't very well reach our destiny and bring about Twilight if I lost my soul and ate you... I mean in the me - vampire, you - food sense of the—"

"I got it, Angel," she snapped.

She looked around the idyllic setting and frowned again. "How do we get out of here?"

"Out? Why would we go out?" Angel made an expansive gesture that encompassed the whole world. "They made this for us. We're going to live here. Like Gods. We're gods, Buffy. Chosen to begin a new race of super-beings."

"New race? What happened to the old race?"

Angel cleared his throat and tried to put his arms around her. "I don't think we need to concern ourselves with that. We just need to worry about populating the new world with our children."

Buffy shook him off. "I like the old world. It has... malls." She glanced at her bare feet. "And shoe stores! And lattes and chocolate ice cream and... and Man U."

"What?"

"Uh. Nevermind. Forget that one. I'm not even sure what it is." She pushed his hands away again, slapping at him." Stop that! The spell is over." She began walking, muttering the whole time about "stupid clothes" and "find my damn shoes." Angel scurried after her.

"Buffy? What are you doing? You belong here, with me. I'm your destiny. There was a prophecy and everything."

She stopped and put her hands on her hips, glaring at him. "I don't do prophecies, Angel. You should know that by now... oh yeah, except that you don't know that because you didn't stick around to watch me grow up." She shook her head at his bewildered face. "Okay, here's the short version - the prophecy about the Master killing me turned out to be temporary - remember that? I kicked his old bony butt. The Mayor's destiny turned out to be giant snake confetti. I lived through the Cruciamentum that was supposed to kill me... I killed a Hellgod to save my sister. I came back from the dead. I defeated the First Evil. I told the Shadowmen to stuff it... Do I need to go on? I. Don't. Do. Destiny."

"Buffy," Angel drew himself up to his full height and gave her a patronizing smile. "Those were nothing compared to what we've achieved now. We're _gods,_ Buffy. Gods. Don't you get it? We're indestructible. Superior beings. We have nothing in common with the old world and it's races. None of them. You're more than human; I'm much more than a vampire. We've brought about Twilight. When the Dawn finally comes, it will be a whole new world. Full of our children—urk!"

"Were you always such a pompous idiot?" Buffy dropped the other rock that she'd been about to throw at him and shook her head. "Look, just tell me how we stop this, or get the hell out of my way so I can take care of it myself."

"You can't stop it. It's Destiny."

"Screw destiny. I'm leaving."

"You're... Buffy, you can't leave. You have to stay here... with me. Don't you... " He shook his head. "No. I know you still love me. I just gave you the best sex of your life, and... " He stepped closer to her. "It was good, wasn't it? The best you've ever had? How can you walk away now that we're free to fuck whenever we want to?"

"It was pretty good," Buffy admitted. "Parts of it were pretty... spectacular... But other parts... She smiled to herself, remembering another vampire and a petite slayer with dark hair and almond-shaped eyes."

Angel sniffed in disbelief. "You've never had it that good. Admit it."

Buffy gaped at him. "When did you get so full of yourself? It was good - above and beyond most of the time. But it wasn't real, Angel. It was magic - and not the good kind. We were being controlled by something else - and that is, FYI, sooooo not one of my turn-ons."

"But it will still be good. We still have our superpowers. I can make it good for you, Buffy. You know I can. Let me show you..." He reached for her hand, frowning when she snatched it away.

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

"But I love you! You love me. We'll be happy here! You can't leave."

"I'm sorry, Angel. I have a world to save."

Buffy began walking away, breaking into a jog and then into a run that had her out of sight before he could come up with a response. The sonic boom when she reached escape velocity knocked him off his feet. In the distance, the walls began to shimmer and shift colors as they seemed to be shrinking in.


End file.
